Accountability – and yet again it’s all about me

Wednesday, January 18, 2012 Permalink

Tag - ExperienceIn my last blog post I talked about my reaction to a weigh-in that didn’t go as planned. I’d written most of the post before the end of the week and it was upbeat and positive as I was happy with my food intake and exercise. But, when that didn’t translate into weight loss I dropped the ball. BIG TIME. I hung in there for a while and spent two days sulking and feeling blah. You know that feeling… you’re going about your everyday business but there’s something bad lurking in the back of your mind and every so often it peeks out and you are reminded why indeed you should be in bed buried under a mound of blankets.

When eventually I gave into temptation and dealt with the disappointment as best I know how (ie. over-eating crap food), I felt emotionally sated, though guilty and naturally a bit too full!

And to top this off, I had a half-written post about how well things were going on my diet and weight loss program. ‘Swimmingly,’ I believe I said in the first part of the post.

My big quandary was whether to use what I’d written at all; gloss over the (lack of) weight loss; shelve the draft post completely and write about something else; or write something misery-laden and more in line with my overall mood. Decisions, decisions.

I’ve also become a bit more nervous about what I talk about in this blog, so while I felt the need to confess my sins, I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to own up to MORE bad behaviour. So…. I lay in bed (too full to sleep) and pondered.

Inner voiceEventually I realised I needed to be honest. I couldn’t claim that I was sticking to my 1400 calories/day, if I’d had a huge blowout and inhaled twice that many in 30 minutes. I felt that my readers, ie. YOU, needed to know about my slip-up because NOT owning-up to it felt dishonest. I might have many (many) other failings but I always try to act with integrity.

And, as you’d now be aware (having committed my last blog post to heart), I went with the confession.

But something else struck me as I lay there like a beached whale in my dusty pink sheets (again, not covered in dust, but the colour). I don’t want to delve into the ‘why I feel the need to confess’ thing because I’m sure it’s something that a few years of psychotherapy could resolve (!!!); but it occurred to me that I really was  telling you ONLY because I felt I needed to be honest. I wasn’t seeking absolution (though neither was I seeking recrimination). I just wanted to be up-front.

Because, in reality… you really didn’t need to know. I’m sure other dieters, bloggers and ordinary-folk alike have calorie blow-outs. I’m sure some eat pieces of cake and don’t feel the need to confess to the world at large. Others may eat a packet of crisps or some biscuits. My black/white thinking is such that I’m REALLY REALLY good, or … you know… not. So if I’m being ‘good’, I’m not eating cake or biscuits… There’s still no moderation in my world.

You DecideHowever, the thing that really struck me (and I’m finally getting to the point of this post – in the last paragraph!) was that, for the first time I really thought about WHO I was disappointing; WHO I was letting down. Because it’s not you (sorry about that readers). It’s me. It’s ONLY me. It occurred to me that I’m really only accountable to myself, and I don’t know why I’ve never realised that before. I mean, I knew the buck stopped with me, but I’ve always felt this huge sense of obligation to others. I can understand how having people know that you are supposedly exercising and being healthy is helpful and ‘helps’ keep you more accountable. However, when it really comes down to it, the guilt I carry should only be my own. I’m not failing the world at large. Mankind will not suffer. I need to get some perspective, but more importantly I need to remember who I’m doing this for. And (again, sorry) it’s not you; it’s me.

23 Comments
  • Julia @ Boyfriends Make You Fat
    January 18, 2012

    This is a great post… it is ALL ABOUT YOU. Writing is for you, getting heathy is for you… all of this is only to help you. If other people (me) benefit from it along the way, that’s great, but I’m glad that you remember that YOU are the most important person in all of this. xoxox

    • rockafellaskank
      January 18, 2012

      Thanks Julia. I have to admit, it’s rare that I experience ‘lightbulb moments’ but that was one… realising I should only feel that it’s ME I’ve disappointed and worry less about others!

      Deb

  • nondiscrypt (Sharon)
    January 18, 2012

    While it might all be about YOU, YOU also make it about ME when I completely relate to your struggles and frustrations.

    • rockafellaskank
      January 18, 2012

      Ha! Thanks for that. It’s sometimes nice to know that there are others out there going through this same thing!

      Deb

  • beanfruit
    January 18, 2012

    You’re absolutely right! And I think if confessing your dietary sins on a blog helps you move past them and get back on track, it is great. Your last commenter hit the nail on the head – while your efforts are all about YOU, I appreciate your posts…the good, the bad, and the ugly…because it is easy to identify with you. It helps to realize that none of us are perfect and that our “never give up” attitude is what matters!

    • rockafellaskank
      January 18, 2012

      Thanks for that. I am always relieved that others are in the same predicament (selfishly!). I guess others feel the same when they read my ramblings!

      Deb

  • Liz Nelson (@leanlizzy)
    January 18, 2012

    Hi Deb,
    Julia probably said it a little bit more eloquently than me but I’ll add my two cents worth.
    ~writing is cathartic and if it helps you work something out, then it is a post well written.
    ~what helped me during my weight loss journey was writing about it – I would often make mistakes and be able to analyse a binge or whatever in my writing – and learn from my mistakes.
    ~as you know, there’s more to your last post than meets the eye
    ~Yes it is all about you and there are many people who are in your corner to remind you of that.

    Now go get em, Tiger

    x

    • rockafellaskank
      January 18, 2012

      Thank you so much Liz. As you know I express a lot through my writing. The morning after my father passed away I sat tapping on the keyboard, writing a post about how I felt and what I was thinking rather than ringing friends or others.

      THanks again for your encouragement!

      Deb

  • Sandra
    January 18, 2012

    Hi Deb,
    What Lizzy said…but also, there are a whole bunch of writers/bloggers out there whose lives are so sweet and perfect that you start to wonder…in fact there are people in all walks of life who are like that, they will never reveal their “ordinary human” side. Everything is fine, everything is just cruisy – until a major catastrophe strikes and then it catches us all by surprise. I guess what I’m trying to say is that yes, this blog is all about you, but you would be doing yourself and us (your readers) a major dis-service (sic) if you glossed over your whole life and lied about your slip-ups.
    Great post.
    Sandra
    xo

    • rockafellaskank
      January 18, 2012

      Thanks Sandra and as I said below and in the post… I’ve realised that I DO try to be honest in my posts otherwise… what is the point?

      Deb

  • Marion
    January 18, 2012

    One of my gym buddies stopped me one day from whatever issue I was talking about (probably someone saying something rude to me, I’m guessing), and said, “Marion, the only person this is about is you.” I wrote a post about this very thing. It is liberating, yet it also places the burden squarely on us then. I love it for fitness, I wish I could legitimately blame someone for eating. 😀

    🙂 Marion

    • rockafellaskank
      January 18, 2012

      I like that idea Marion!

  • Karen@WaistingTime
    January 18, 2012

    TRUE!!! It is all about you:) And, your blog is all about you too! Which means you should use it however you want. Write what you want to write. Don’t say what you don’t want to say. You owe us no apologies or explanations. It is all for you:)

    • rockafellaskank
      January 18, 2012

      Thanks Karen. As I said, I feel I have to be honest in my blog posts so generally do write whatever I want. (The good, the bad and the ugly!!!)

  • Big Girl Bombshell (@BigGirlBombshel)
    January 18, 2012

    I agree with Karen…..it is about you and what you feel you need to share or not share is about you too…

    Awesome post!

    • rockafellaskank
      January 18, 2012

      Thanks Jules. Appreciate the feedback and the support!

      Deb

  • KCLAnderson (Karen)
    January 18, 2012

    Yep…another Karen here to say that it is all about you. But something I will ask you to consider is taking “guilt” out of the equation. I believe that each and every time we binge or overeat or emotionally eat or whatever it is you want to call it, there’s a chance to learn something. And so the episode becomes a gift, not an exercise in self-loathing…it becomes an opportunity to take a step outside ourselves and gently ask, in a neutral, curious tone: what’s going on here?

    • rockafellaskank
      January 19, 2012

      I have to admit Karen that I didn’t feel as guilty as I expected to after the weekend’s lapse and I wonder if that’s because I realised it was only myself I was letting down and I was disappointed in myself rather than guilty.

      I seriously need to work on the guilt thing! You’re right.

      Deb

  • Katy@KatyRunner
    January 19, 2012

    hi! nice post

    I thought you might like this…

    Katy R

    • rockafellaskank
      January 19, 2012

      Will have a look Katy, thanks. Good to hear from you….

  • Katy@KatyRunner
    January 19, 2012

    *this:

    http://www.joshilynjackson.com/ftk/?p=1675

  • m3lly78
    January 19, 2012

    that Bob Moawad quote is so true. people who have struggled/are struggling with weightloss can attest with binge eating. it’s emotional but at the end of the day it’s something that WE need to be accountable for.
    also, Sandra’s comment is so true!
    as usual, love your gut-wrenchingly honest blogs. don’t censor yourself because of a few awful comments. never!

    • rockafellaskank
      January 19, 2012

      Thanks Melly! xxxx

I'd love to hear your thoughts