A long way from home

Wednesday, August 24, 2011 Permalink

One of the highlights of the past few weeks for me was the Finale party celebrating the last round of the weight loss program I’m on. The program is offered three times a year and has been going for a little while, but the May – August round was my first. I did as well, if not better, than I expected over the 12 weeks, losing 18.7kg and 52cm from various bits of my body. And, I went from ‘unable to walk because of shin-splints’ to an occasional bootcamper and participant in boxing classes. On day one of the program I climbed aboard my rented exercise bike and felt exhausted after 5 minutes of pedalling on the second lowest resistance setting, whereas now I can do an interval session on that setting for 30 minutes.

If I was someone else I could say, “You’ve come a long way, baby.”

But… And there’s always a but, isn’t there? But… I have a bloody long way to go.

I commented on this in my Frocking Up post, when I wrote about the fact that I wasn’t ‘ready’ to go out and buy a new frock for the Finale party. In fact, had the Finale party been in another State (it rotates around the country, as the program is a national one) I wouldn’t have gone. Many long-termers comment on the fact that they also weren’t ready to train or par-tay as a group early on in the program. So it obviously isn’t just me.

I can’t help but wonder if the fact that I am still a long way from ‘home’ is part of the cause of my recent funk. (Well, other than the run of recent bad luck and people who just piss me off!) It’s happened before. I go on some diet; I lose weight; I feel happy that I’ve lost weight and start feeling a tad smug; BUT… then I am hit with the realisation that I still have x more kilograms to go. (In my current case 20 – 30kg to go!) It occurs to me – though more particularly in the past when I’ve gotten to an almost-normal weight – that complete strangers would look at a 90kg me and snidely think, ‘She needs to lose a bit of weight.’ They’d have no idea that I was once 30kg heavier than that, or of what an achievement 90kg is for me.

Long and winding Road

It’s the same now that I’ve lost almost 20kg. Sure, I’m no longer pushing the 130kg mark, hovering at around 110kg instead… but, my ideal/goal weight is anywhere from 79-90kg. So, on one hand I’m thinking, ‘Phew…’, but on the other I’m thinking ‘Faaarck!’

Although I was disappointed that I didn’t have something new and fabulous to wear on Saturday night (instead donning a faithful but a bit-too-bloody-hot outfit) the highlight was catching up with SO many people I’d been in contact with via Forums, Facebook and Twitter, not to mention those I’d met at local training sessions. But… as I look back at some of the pictures, or even on the night each time I saw my reflection; I’d see my still-chubby red face, sweaty hair (from dancing as well as fatness) and large self. Bleh!

I can’t decide if it was a reminder; or wake-up call I needed. Does it feel overwhelming, that I have so far to go? Or does it motivate me, knowing I have so far to go? In all honesty I don’t know. But I do know that I am hanging in there and I guess that’s all I can do.

8 Comments
  • Julia
    August 24, 2011

    It means you are FREAKING AWESOME for going to the party, for sticking to the program and having success, and that you find yourself SO WORTH IT that you want to go further and reach your ultimate goal. If you think 1 KG at a time, it will be easier. Also, if you think about all the time you’ve spent at the weight that you are unhappy, the time it will take you to get to where you want to be (even its a year or two years) is SO MUCH SHORTER than years of unhappiness.

    YOU CAN AND ARE DOING IT!

    • rockafellaskank
      August 24, 2011

      THanks for the encouragement. You are SO right! And… I even did that gym class today!

  • Liz N
    August 24, 2011

    I’m with Julia, I used to think half a kilo at a time! And I would tell myself that I was grateful that the rolls of fat on my body were getting smaller (I know!). You can’t control other people’s thoughts either. Most people think I’m genetically blessed, except for all who come across me in the cyber world – they now know better. Keep at it girlfriend!

    • rockafellaskank
      August 24, 2011

      Liz, do you ever find it frustrating – that people think you’ve always been slim? You probably want to shout it from the rooftops – how hard you’ve worked and continue to work. I have to admit I worry a bit about my body – if it will ever look okay, given where it’s come from.

      • Liz N
        August 24, 2011

        Hi Deb, I think the trick for me has been learning (slowly!) to stop worrying about what other people think and focus more on what I know. I celebrate that I’m leaner now every day! (just to myself of course!)

  • Min
    August 24, 2011

    Deb – isnt it funny how perspectives are different for different people. Any finale party photos I’ve seen with you in them – my first reaction has been awe over your gorgeous smile and joy and pleasure from seeing how happy you look and how much fun you are having. I think you look GOOD in the photos! As for me, I haven’t seen one with me in it and I’m glad coz I never like photographs of myself and usually avoid them. Maybe if you saw one with me in it – you’d see it from a different perspective 🙂 We are our own worst critics! As for your weight loss – OMG – I’d be estatic if I’d lost 18+ kg’s! You have done amazingly well! I’ve done 2 rounds and only lost 14 kg’s – slow and steady is my motto LOL. Of course we can’t really compare because maybe I have less weight to lose from start to finish than you etc.. Its hard though not to compare our losses to those ot others isnt it – but its silly coz everyone’s start and finish goal posts differ and are unique to them. I’m still a long way from home too – especially if I want to reach my BMI goal of 23 – but much closer than I was six months ago! Thats the way we’ve gotta think – be proud of achievements so far and then look at the rest in little chunks rather than the whole big end goal chunk. You are doing great!!

    • rockafellaskank
      August 24, 2011

      Thanks Min. Hope you and your sister (whose name now escapes me – sorry!) enjoyed the other night. You looked lovely! You are probably right about the way we see ourselves (our own worst critics)… honestly I can barely look at the photos of me, though they probably aren’t as bad as photos from 3mths ago. Hopefully in 3 more months I’ll be happier when I see a camera; and in 6 or so months I’ll be leaping in front of cameras, saying ‘pick me, pick me!’ Okay… well, maybe not!

      Baby steps!

      Deb

      • Min
        August 24, 2011

        My sister (Angela) and I really enjoyed the evening Deb. I was more subdued than usual though coz as you’d know my Colby was not well…(reason I didnt make it to the workout)…so I wasnt quite 100% there. Didnt line up for a photo with Mish…heaps of people I had wanted to catch up with but never did find…….but I got there and we did enjoy ourselves 🙂

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