I popped out briefly earlier to pick up some groceries. I was feeling a bit miserable at the time because I was midway through a blog post that had me stumped. In fact it still does.
I hope to be able to publish it soon, though have some more thinking to do beforehand.
Basically the post is in response to that of another program participant who published the “What would you do, if you knew you could not fail?” quote. On coming across it a month or so ago I squealed excitedly, put fingers to keyboard and started writing, but then I got stuck. “Never mind,” I thought, “I’ll come back to it.”
It seemed timely to do so in the last few days as I was writing yesterday’s post about someone I once knew who was living the life I wanted to be living. In that post I noted that only I can make changes in my life and (quite frankly) I needed to stop talking about it and start acting on it. Someone left a comment on one of my posts a while ago, saying that I seemed to pose a lot of questions in my blog, but I rarely answered them. This is true. Or… sometimes I know the answer but fail on the follow-through.
The “What would you do?” scenario seemed perfect for me to brainstorm ideas and fantasise how I would like my life to be. I was irrationally excited when I started the post. “Wow,” I thought, “here I go.” But then… nothing! And I’ve floundered about ever since.
So, what occurs to me is that – although I know I’m not entirely happy with my life as it is I don’t actually have any specific ‘dreams-life’ in mind – other than some esoteric ideas: ‘in love and loved’, ‘happy at work’, ‘doing something creative and fulfilling (perhaps writing)’, ‘financially secure’ etc.
My weight is just one of the reasons I’m unhappy with my life… or perhaps it is a symptom of that; or perhaps my unfulfilling life is a symptom of my over-eating and weight issues. W-O-T-E-V-A! (Cue eyeroll as perfected by a 15yr old!)
Either way, I need to work out what it is I want to achieve in my life and plan a path to get there. The post I started writing had a ridiculously large number of scenarios….: If I sell my place then a); if I get this job then c); if I decide to buy an investment property then f)… and so forth. It looked like some sort of computer program circa the late 1980s. If A=B then <GO>… or something.
I haven’t quite worked out exactly where I’m heading and may need some help to do so. But, I must admit it feels quite refreshing to admit that I don’t know what it is that I want to do with my life. I always feel like I need a plan, and as a control freak I need to know what’s next; but perhaps I could just float along for a while and let karma toy with me a bit.
Meanwhile back to my original point. When in the car and driving through neighbouring streets I was reminded of the plethora of decisions before me: do I buy a new property and rent out my current place; or do I stay here? What do I do about work once my current contract is over, go back to my old job; cut back my hours; try for a promotion etc… And this song came on the radio: Darkest before the dawn. I can’t recall hearing the song before although obviously the saying isn’t unfamiliar. Despite my stoic-ness since my father’s passing I found myself quite teary and had to stop driving. As I sat there I wondered why the hell I was forcing myself to ponder on these decisions right now. And that’s when I felt a bit better. Sadder but better. Perhaps I’ll let myself be karma’s bitch for a while and see what happens!