Darkest before the dawn

November 3, 2011

I popped out briefly earlier to pick up some groceries. I was feeling a bit miserable at the time because I was midway through a blog post that had me stumped. In fact it still does.

I hope to be able to publish it soon, though have some more thinking to do beforehand.

Basically the post is in response to that of another program participant who published the “What would you do, if you knew you could not fail?” quote. On coming across it a month or so ago I squealed excitedly, put fingers to keyboard and started writing, but then I got stuck. “Never mind,” I thought, ”I’ll come back to it.”

Keep-Going--Winston-Churchill-Magnet-C11750633It seemed timely to do so in the last few days as I was writing yesterday’s post about someone I once knew who was living the life I wanted to be living. In that post I noted that only I can make changes in my life and (quite frankly) I needed to stop talking about it and start acting on it. Someone left a comment on one of my posts a while ago, saying that I seemed to pose a lot of questions in my blog, but I rarely answered them. This is true. Or… sometimes I know the answer but fail on the follow-through.

The “What would you do?” scenario seemed perfect for me to brainstorm ideas and fantasise how I would like my life to be. I was irrationally excited when I started the post. “Wow,” I thought, “here I go.” But then… nothing! And I’ve floundered about ever since.

So, what occurs to me is that – although I know I’m not entirely happy with my life as it is I don’t actually have any specific ‘dreams-life’ in mind – other than some esoteric ideas: ‘in love and loved’, ‘happy at work’, ‘doing something creative and fulfilling (perhaps writing)’, ‘financially secure’ etc.

My weight is just one of the reasons I’m unhappy with my life… or perhaps it is a symptom of that; or perhaps my unfulfilling life is a symptom of my over-eating and weight issues. W-O-T-E-V-A! (Cue eyeroll as perfected by a 15yr old!)

Either way, I need to work out what it is I want to achieve in my life and plan a path to get there. The post I started writing had a ridiculously large number of scenarios….: If I sell my place then a); if I get this job then c); if I decide to buy an investment property then f)… and so forth. It looked like some sort of computer program circa the late 1980s. If A=B then <GO>… or something.

My Karma ran over your Dogma buttonsI haven’t quite worked out exactly where I’m heading and may need some help to do so. But, I must admit it feels quite refreshing to admit that I don’t know what it is that I want to do with my life. I always feel like I need a plan, and as a control freak I need to know what’s next; but perhaps I could just float along for a while and let karma toy with me a bit.

Meanwhile back to my original point. When in the car and driving through neighbouring streets I was reminded of the plethora of decisions before me: do I buy a new property and rent out my current place; or do I stay here? What do I do about work once my current contract is over, go back to my old job; cut back my hours; try for a promotion etc… And this song came on the radio: Darkest before the dawn. I can’t recall hearing the song before although obviously the saying isn’t unfamiliar. Despite my stoic-ness since my father’s passing I found myself quite teary and had to stop driving. As I sat there I wondered why the hell I was forcing myself to ponder on these decisions right now. And that’s when I felt a bit better. Sadder but better. Perhaps I’ll let myself be karma’s bitch for a while and see what happens! 

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Marion November 3, 2011 at 11:03 am

I’ve never been a person with good on-the-spot answers either. So what. Obviously, we are making lots of decisions in our lives–or we would still be in bed, today and everyday. And, while it feels more sexy to want the “next big thing” to happen in our lives, it still is like Grandma would say, the little things we do that really matter. More and more, I feel like the little things are so meaningful.
:-) Marion

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rockafellaskank November 4, 2011 at 1:21 am

It is the little things and I think that’s what struck me yesterday… on one hand I was feeling like a failure and overwhelmed cos there were decisions I felt I SHOULD be making…. but on the other I can decide NOT to make them at this point and focus on the little things until I’m ready to face the big ones. (If that makes sense!)

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Linda Bolton November 3, 2011 at 2:50 pm

I totally know where you are. I floundered for years, following my husband and his job, not knowing what or who I really was. I ran across a 30 day goal program and my eyes really opened up; a chance to be very honest with myself and make some hard decisions. I recommend you try:http://www.chalenejohnson.com/30daychallenge/members/Find-Your-Push-Goal.html

See if it helps you focus what direction you need to go.

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Linda Bowers Bolton November 3, 2011 at 2:53 pm

I totally know where you are. I spent many years following my husband and not know who or what I needed to be. I found a 30 day challenge that helped me focus and figure out what I wanted in life. Take a look (its free and very helpful):http://www.chalenejohnson.com/30daychallenge/members/Find-Your-Push-Goal.html

I think it’ll help you get the direction you are searching for.

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Julia November 3, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Deciding you want a plan is a big step – especially at this time in your life. Simply taking the time to write about your life, which means taking the time to think about your life, is a big deal. It takes a lot of courage and strength to face yourself. One step at a time, and with each step you are getting stronger and saner. You’ve got a lot of sh*t to deal with and you are doing a great job of keeping it together : )

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rockafellaskank November 4, 2011 at 1:19 am

Thanks for the encouragement Julia!

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